February, 2006
I don't know why it is that I never write about you. I got so caught up in making everything just right and forgot to invite you into that side of me. I get so caught up in trying to intellectually understand the workings of my heart, what you bring in and what i drain out, that I just forget to let this emotion go.
This emotion gets so caught up in the secret subconscious games of my twisted mind that it forgets what it means to be pure. The world, the people I interact with on a daily basis, or at least often and deeply enough to affect my fragility, will never come to the fine point of understanding or agreement. For you, of course, this is okay. For me, it leaves unwritten words circulating through my blood like some itchy infection:
I am sorry. I love you, I'm sorry. I say it a million times, over and over. I will never accept myself like this, like anything, and it just isn't fair. You cannot be punished for the whiny, depressed, unstable shit you stepped into; it isn't your cross to bear. Now you must find some flourishing grass to wipe your shoes, and look up at the sunshine. Just don't look at the stars at night, or they might remind you of my pointy edges.
Of course, you will say the right comforting things, but only to deceive us both. Only to get through the day and the night and the day.
And you know the best way to carry on.
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I attempt to write on the topics of this list:
1. write about the sense of smell. what does your home/apartment/workplace smell like? what do you smell like? what smells do you associate with sickness, religion, airports?
2. write about the color in which you fit best. and why.
3. write your own vagina monologue.
4. why do you write?
5. you're a flower. what kind? why? how do you feel?
6. what intimidates you? why? what do you do when you're frightened?
7. take any of the following, divide it as you see fit, and use them. Floating down a river with him in late december on the countryside and a snake falls into the boat.
10. The Boulevard of Broken Dreams.
11. Where do you write? Why?
12. list 5 nouns. now write the sentence starters "i am a _________ because" for each one. finish the sentences. write paragraphs, if you like. punctuation is optional and poetry is allowed.
13. who inspires you?
14. what are you afraid of? why?
15. find a poem that reminds you of someone in your life. write about the poem, the person, and the connection between the two.
16. what makes you angry, and what would you do about it/what do you do about it?
17. define real, genuine fun and/or happiness.
18. who were you?
19. what makes a place feel like home?
20. what is the soundtrack of your life?
21. what book did you last read? did you like it? what was your favorite line from it and why?
22. tell us your muse.
23. how do you feel about science and religion?
24. pick 3 numbers. write "in X years i will be . . ." for each year.
25. anything to do with the phrase, "star child"
26. what is the most dramatic feature on your face? show it.
27. where do you go?
28. where do you hide?
29. what makes you phenomenal?
30. your life is represented by a piece of jewelry. tell us about it.
31. your world is a movie. what character are you- villian? smart quiet kid who takes over the world? lovely heroine? and why.
32. if your life could be portrayed in a medium for public consumption (i.e. TV show, movie, painting, book, etc.), what medium would you choose and why?
33. you exist in the stream of conscious. what are you? river rock, may fly, whirpool, fish? why are you there? tell us about yourself.
34. let your inner editor bitch for 5 minutes. then let your ego out to play, for another 5. have fun.
35. write original sin.
36. when do you feel most comfortable in your skin?
37. why do you cry? what makes you cry?
38. how do colors feel? how do shapes taste? how does scent look? how does touch sound?
39. who would you be if you became who/what you hate? how would you feel?
40. are you truly alive?
41. do you believe in other dimensions? write them.
42. why do you need inspiration to write? where do you get it from? does it feel like a crutch?
43. write about the word contrived.
44. build yourself a state or a country or a whole planet. name and describe everything (i.e. flowers, mountains, rivers, etc.). what color is the sky? and the rain?
45. answer these questions, but no real names. what is your real name? (i.e. my real name is helium dream.) what was your name yesterday? secretly, what do you know your name is? what does your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend think your name is?
46. describe the different sides of you - what does that side wear? like to eat? drive? feel free to bring these sides out to argue, debate, or just talk.
47. use these words in a piece: woman, sacred, locust.
48. what do you remember?
49. write about second chances.
50. write in black and white. contrast(!)
51. describe Someone in vivid detail. frozen in words, live in mind. immortalize Someone.
52. write about watching morbid curiosity.
53. write who you are.
54. If not now, when?
55. What colors are you?
56. Do you trust yourself?
57. When are you breathtaking?
58. Tell us the perfect bedtime story.
59. Describe the best case scenario.
60. Are you telling the truth?
61. who are you talking to?
62. what do stars taste like? smell? feel? sound?
63. if your life were to be performed in a theatre . . . tell us about the theatre.
64. so how are you going to get there?
65. when you were six what did you want to become? be it. tell us.
66. write life on paper. alive and kicking.
67. change things up. steal a revolution and make it your own. if you're really talented, you'll create one. write something to start it.
68. you tell me what's real.
71. whore.
72. talk. or yell.
73. what did you really want to say?
74. what is bedtime? when, or why?
75. tiptoe
76. don't
77. going home
78. when the heavens light up
79. i follow
80. freedom
81. make yourself
82. forgiveness
83. what do you want it to be like when you die?
84. what would your mother say, if she knew?
85. pick 3 emotions. tell us about the next time you'll feel them.
86. so, how are you?
87. eyelashes.
88. re-name.
89. what/where is home?
90. beautifuck.
91. everybody does it.
92. wait up for me.
93. first line: bones curse the day bricks were made.
94. first line: the truth knocked her over without even giving her a chance to explain.
95. first line: the oar arrived at his head with impeccable timing.
96. sweat bullets.
97. sacrifice.
98. what about discrimination?
99. bits and pieces.
100. what will happen when you are gone?
101. truth.
102. lie.
103. keep moving.
104. "What is the Beautiful?"
105. words. exactly.
106. give us your body.
107. reinterpret falling in love.
108. the world can change how many times in one month?
109. what are you really dreaming?
110. is the moon alive?
111. what is the most imperfect thing you know?
112. be selfish.
113. when do you feel used?
114. what do your hands say about you?
115. when i sew my heart back together.
116. stop being real.
117. linger
118. let the flowers die
119. kiss the girl
120. why didn't they tell you?
121. turnaround.
122. maybe he doesn't love me like i want him to.
123. the day didn't begin.
124. blush.
125. smoke.
126. the relationship of stars to skin.
127. well, obviously it's
128. this feels like evaporation
129. the quiet life
130. the secret life
131. the other life
132. maybe this is just about you.
133. perfection
134. keys and locks
135. said, "i think if i believed in god, i wouldn't believe in myself."
136. love
137. fiction in fact
138. goodbye to all this.
139. it's no way to begin
140. what happens when you want to walk away, but can't?
141. the prayers you haven't been saying
142. don't give up.
143. give up.
144. utter frustration.
145. what keeps you going?
146. everyone else's failures.
147. can growth come from relinquishing dreams?
148. Bottles.
149. what do you miss?
150. reminisce.